Pushing Pause

I’ve been doing significantly better than I have in a long time. I love my job, I love my coworkers… I love mostly everything about where I am at in my right now.

However, I can’t shake the feeling of still being stuck. To be honest, I find myself wishing that I could push the pause button on CP. Don’t panic, I’m okay.

It would be nice though, if I could just go away on vacation without having to account for all the extra baggage that a disability can be. Even being able to drive by myself to visit friends would be a huge improvement. Sometimes, I feel like a lost puppy whining for them to visit me. I’d love to walk up the stairs, and bring beer and snacks to their house parties.

I’d love to do something in the spur of the moment, without having to tell different companies where I was going, when I d be back — well in advance.

I wish I could cook for myself instead of gambling on others’ cooking abilities — and ultimately ordering out at least once a month.

I’ve spent a good portion of my life waiting on others to get things accomplished. It’s very tiring. I’m waiting for a new chair, and while I wait; random pieces of my old one fall of every day. They make you wait 5 years to get a “new” one, and by the time the process is said and done, it’s actually closer to 6. I’d rather just invest in robotic legs at this point.

I wish I could be saving for a home, instead of living in housing controlled by someone else. It would be nice to not have to make monthly reports every time I make an extra penny too.

I realize that without the things I have mentioned above, life would be a lot harder. That being said, these things that are supposed to help make me more independent are incredibly flawed, and are only going to get worse, thanks to our current government.

I’m not wishing my disability away. Without it I wouldn’t be who I am. I wouldn’t know the people, or the perspective I do today. I wouldn’t have a comedy routine. Most importantly, I wouldn’t know how to fight for myself or others.

I know I’m not the only one searching for the pause button.

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